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Posted by Burgundee at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments

The picture reads: "What Pregnancy really looks like. (Juno can kiss my ass.)"
I'm diabetic. That's my gear.

I'm 7-weeks, some-odd days pregnant. I can't keep up with the days easily. The numbers seem to slide into each other and really all I manage to eke out is an increasing feeling of dread.

I saw the movie Juno right after I lost my daughter Sophia. I was 31 weeks pregnant and I resented her quaint pregnancy experience. Presently, my opinion of the movie has been renewed and intensified-- I think the movie did younger girls a disservice because it skipped through some of the really horrifying things that happen to your body. You could die. The baby could die. There's no amount of cute socks and witty dialouge that will save your ass now.

My picture above is possibly a picture of worst-case-scenario pregnancy.

Some people are a half-glass full type, some are half-empty types. At the moment I'm a throw-it-at-the-wall type.

Posted by Burgundee at 7:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

I always have rotten even-numbered years. So I look forward to 2009-- the year of the Odd.

Tyvm.

Oh, and more info soon on exactly wtf I'm doing with this blog, and the Warcraft blog and life in general.

Posted by Burgundee at 5:06 PM | Permalink | Comments

My husband and I are playing Fable 2 now.

That's why this is such an ittle post!

:)

Posted by Burgundee at 2:36 PM | Permalink | Comments

The day after Halloween down here in the South is either All Saints Day or Dia De Los Muertos, depending on your inclination. I prefer Dia De Los Muertos because I am in a melancholy mood. Dia De Los Muertos is traditionally celebrated by a gathering of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and relatives who have died in the past year. This year I will celebrate by remembering my daughter Sophia Anne.

She died on January 13, 2008 at about 5:30 in the evening. I was 31 weeks pregnant. I'm not sure if it had ever occured to me what happens when a pregnancy fails that long into term. I'm used to hearing from people who have had early pregnancy failures and I'm not saying that their pain is any less than mine, but I had labor induced and delivered a stillborn baby. No birth certificate was ever issued, just a death certificate.

It was really sad to spend the money that my husband and I had saved up for this little girl on funeral expenses. We saved up money expecting to buy diapers and formula and clothes and all we ended up paying for is her casket and mortuary care.

I remember recieving Last Rites in the hospital. I know they don't call it that anymore but the prayers are the same. I remember being hallucinatory because of the pain medication they had given me and trying to coherently speak to the priest who had come to visist. I remeber my parents, Allen, and his parents standing around my bed. I remember asking if they could baptise Sophia and the priest said they couldn't do that. It's funny how you find your religion at a time like that.

So this Dia De Los Muertos or All Saint's Day remember someone special to you who has passed away.

Labels: NaBloPoMo

Posted by Burgundee at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments

About two-plus-years-ago I was going through this really craptastic period in my life. I had split up with a long-term boyfriend of six years. I worked excessively at a position that required strange hours and very little human contact. I was up alot when no one was awake. The sky was always that dark, deep blue, the color of midnight. I was morose and lonely. I spent a lot of time on the internet amusing myself. Through my work's limitless bandwith I found Pandora radio.



For entertainment purposes, I put in Nine Inch Nails, Jeff Buckley, and Morphine and hit "go."



What did Pandora deliver to me?



Amazing, moody music. Piano-driven guitarwork. Lyrical Subterfuge. I was impressed.



I speak, loosely, of my first impression of the Twilight Singers. Fortuitiously (for me) named, a couple of songs that moved me-- and I don't mean moved me in a Tenacious-D-lyric-telekinesis-kind-of-way.



Immediately I looked the band up. I was surprised to see that it was an amalgamation of former Afghan-whigs bandmembers and a few faces I remembered from my high school days (Mark Lanagan? Hello? Screaming Trees?) Hell, I remembered the song "Gentlemen." Who was this band, where had they been? More importantly, where the hell had I been?



Greg Dulli? Yeah? I had heard of the mythical "Fat Greg Dulli" 'zine when I lurked about in the cool kids section of the record store in high school. The zine-- in which even in today's digital age I have yet to personally verify its existance-- only seems to subsist as a few excerpts posted on Summerskiss and some surly interviews with Mr. Dulli himself. But scans of the magazine itself? Non-existant.



I'm sure this is a good thing. From what I've read, it seems that the zine was a nasty piece of work. It portrayed Mr. Dulli in a negative light, no doubt and I had read some references to some very poor photographs of its namesake.



But why go after Greg?



After a while, I kind of got it. The magazine was more or less directed at this persona that Greg seemed to embody through his songwriting with the Whigs. Going back to listen to that stuff and compare it to The Twilight Singers was like looking in a photo album. Every misdeed, every tall tale was set out here in technicolor.


I'll write more on this later when my head isn't so swimmy-feeling.

Posted by Burgundee at 1:17 PM | Permalink | Comments

Labels: NaBloPoMo

Posted by Burgundee at 2:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

Well, my husband and I have decided that we're going to hold off on playing WoW for a while. We had a disasterous patch and a disasterous set of personal/relational problems that surfaced shortly thereafter.

The fault of this lies squarely on my own shoulders. In truth, I had been becoming too friendly with another guild member in a manner that was threatening to my marriage. This guild member and I exchanged emails and pictures and several explicit phone calls. I am humiliated and ashamed of myself. I am even more disturbed by my lack of concern of my husband's feelings. That's the part that I guess I will write about later-- how I feel like I am a sociopath, how I am no longer intuitively in touch with other's feelings (and not just anyone's feelings, how I had lost touch with my own husband's feelings), how I have lost my beowulfian peaceweaving ability. The Empathy which I claim to posess seems to be subdued and ignored.

I have explanations and rationalizations for my behavior. My account, a veritable recitation of the events is unforgivable and will not be written about here now.

So we return together to both focus on our relationship-- to figure out why we've persisted these six years (and less than one, of marriage)-- and maybe we can play again.

I won't act like I don't miss the time sink and the coping mechanism that WoW provided. My husband is worth it.

Labels: WoW

Posted by Burgundee at 11:13 PM | Permalink | Comments